| QUESTION:
Dear Irene,
I have experienced a catastrophic rift with my friend of
over 10 years. "Em" and I met in college, and weve been through lots
of life changes since then. Over the years, Ive introduced her to all of my
friends and she has become a fixture at our social gatherings.
Our relationship began to sour after I met my husband a few
years ago. She is resentful that he has "replaced her" and that I am
happy in life while she goes through a series of failed relationships and
failed jobs. I feel increasingly that I can never do enough to be a good friend
to her.
So, after she said some profoundly hurtful things to me, I
decided the best thing to do is make more room in my life for my healthy
friendships and relationships. The only problem is: I dont know what to do
about our mutual friends. I have no intention of telling them to choose sides,
because that would be childish. But I fear that she will sabotage those
friendships, and I dont know how to go about protecting them while I remove
her from my life.
This Thursday, theres a joint birthday party for two mutual
friends. We have both RSVPd. What do I do?
Signed,
Anonymous in Virginia
ANSWER:
Dear Anonymous in Virginia:
Of course, you should go to your friends’ birthday party.
You may feel a bit uncomfortable but it won’t be too bad. Just say hello to
“Em” and focus your attention where it should be---on the Birthday Girls.
Friendships change as our life circumstances change. If you
met your friend ten years ago at college, consider how you’ve changed and grown
since then, and all the other changes that have taken place in nearly every other
realm of your life. Isn’t it natural that the nature of the friendships you
need and enjoy might change as well? As one example, you met “Em” before you
met your husband. Prior to that, as two single women, you may have had more in
common and therefore, you may have been more patient in catering to her whims
and neediness.
Now that you have insight you have no choice but to break
lose. Over time, connections between close friends become tangled like vines.
Friendships that begin as twosomes extend to relationships between families and
groups---and the risk of collateral damage after a breakup is real.
While you may suffer some losses, my hunch is they won’t be
significant ones. If “Em” is grating, she probably is just as grating on
your mutual friends. (She may even be worse without you as a buffer.)
Your true friends will remain your friends.
Forget the hurtful things “Em” said and let go. If anyone at
the party asks what happened, say that you drifted apart without going into
details. If “Em” goes
on to intentionally sabotage your mutual friendships, smart women will see
right through her.
Like you, even couples who split---married or not---have legitimate
concerns about subsequent fallout. But if you recognize your relationship with
“Em” is toxic, you have no choice but to go forward with the split---or at
least a friendship sabbatical.
Please get the word “catastrophic” out of your head. Yours
is not the first friendship to fracture and yours won’t be the last. The
relationship with “Em” was a good one when it was more reciprocal. I know that
the change still feels painful but you have lots of supports in your life and
things will smooth out over time. Let me know how it goes and thanks for reading my blog.
Sincerely,
Irene
Do you have a question about female friendships that is
bothering you? Please write me at Irene@fracturedfriendships.com and I’ll try to answer
as many of them as I can.
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